


i hate this fucking family

by moss_time



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Furbies, Gen, Group chat, Humor, No Apocalypse, No Incest, Non-Binary Klaus Hargreeves, Non-Binary Number Five, Sibling Bonding, Texting, Trans Allison Hargreeves, Trans Diego Hargreeves, ben is alive in this one, post s2 i guess, theyre all gay its important that i point that out, yes its another one of those
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:01:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26274526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moss_time/pseuds/moss_time
Summary: Allison and her fudge cake, Ben and a furby, etc etc.yet another group chat fic because why not
Relationships: The Hargreeves Family
Comments: 37
Kudos: 197





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this is truly just bullshit please expect nothing from this. thank you

**the Hargeese, 4:32 pm**

Allison: Okay folks  
Allison: Bastards  
Allison: Who ate my fudge cake

Five: disgusting

Allison: Im going to ignore this fudge cake slander  
Allison: Who did it. Im not mad. I just want to know.

Klaus: diego

Allison: He doesn't live here and he wasn't here last night. It couldn't have been him

Klaus: luther

Allison: @Luther did you eat my fudge cake

Luther: No?

Allison: Klaus

Klaus: ??? wasnt me  
Klaus: y do u believe him  
Klaus: i would never steal ur cake  
Klaus: i am offended

Allison: He can't lie and you know it

Luther: :(

Klaus: i also cant lie

Allison: That is a lie. You will pay for this

Klaus: IT WASNT ME ALLISON

**From: Diego**   
**To: Benny**

Diego: u ate her fudge cake

Benny: please dont tell. Im horrified

Diego: dw im not a snitch

Benny: oh thank god

**8:02 pm**

_Klaus changed Ben's username to basper._

Klaus: casper the ghost  
Klaus: ben casper the ghost  
Klaus: basper

basper: no  
basper: let me go back

Diego: i hate u

Klaus: its a good joke

Allison: You are a joke.

basper: H

Klaus: I DIDNT EAT JR FJCKING CAKE ALI STOP THIS

**From: Klaus**   
**To: stinky old man**

Klaus: five  
Klaus: my brother dearest  
Klaus: my favorite

stinky old man: stop talking

Klaus: please protect me

stinky old man: no

Klaus: bro i didnt even do it  
Klaus: i wish i had at least i would have eaten a fudge cake  
Klaus: u know i didnt do it

stinky old man: yes i just dont care  
stinky old man: busy

Klaus: with WHAT now

stinky old man: scheming

Klaus: of course

**9:46 pm**

Vanya: Hey my rehearsal just gor cancelled can someone please give me ardie  
Vanya: got*  
Vanya: a ried*  
Vanya: rdie  
Vanya: rude  
Vanya: I gibe up  
Vanya: guve  
Vanya: fucj

Diego: do u need a ride

Vanya: No please just leave me here

**2:16 pm**

Luther: It was Ben

basper: hello???????

Allison: Are you for real

Diego: u piece of shit

Luther: I'm sorry I couldn't hold it in anymore

Allison: Diego you knew???

Diego: i know nothing

Five: oh so you finally admit

Diego: die

Allison: You will all die

Klaus: once again  
Klaus: ive done nothing

Allison: No you definitely did something. I can feel it

Klaus: ali thats so unfair

basper: Ali im sorry i didnt know it was yours  
basper: ill get you another one

Allison: I literally wrote my name on it

basper: you know i cant read

Klaus: bitch u are reading a book as we speak

basper: i  
basper: take him out Allison

Five: everybody is a snitch today huh

Allison: You're all guilty of this crime and you will all be brought to justice

Five: how am i complicit in this

Allison: I dont know yet but I will find out  
Allison: You will all pay. Every single one of you. Except Vanya and Luther

Luther: I know you love fudge cake but isn't this a bit much?

Allison: Nevermind! Adding Luther to the hit list

Luther: Wait

basper: you know. Vanya has been awfully quiet

Allison: Are you really gonna throw Vanya under the bus now. After all you've done already

basper: i just think its unfair

Allison: So is you eating my fucking cake

basper: point taken

Vanya: Ive never done anything wrong in my life

Allison: I know that and I love you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ty for reading! im @moss_time on twitter and @righteousmoths on tumblr  
> allison and klaus have the admin privileges. its the hargeese bc geese are lovable assholes and so is everyone in this family


	2. Chapter 2

**the Hargeese, 11:23 pm**

Five: if i got a cent each time a trained time travelling assassin gave up on trying to kill me to pursue a more fulfilling life id have two cents which isnt a lot but its weird that it keeps happening

Diego: bro if i was an assassin out to get u id never stop trying

Five: thank you diego that means a lot

Allison: What the fuck

**1:52 am**

Luther: Did someone just scream?

Five: dont worry about it  
Five: were out of coffee

Luther: So you screamed?

Five: oh that wasnt connected  
Five: im just saying

**9:02 am**

Vanya: So no ones worried about the screaming in the middle of the night?

Allison: Not really  
Allison: It be like that sometimes

Vanya: ...

Diego: this is why we dont live with yall

Allison: Yet.

Diego: horrifying

Klaus: it was me  
Klaus: five teleported in the bathroom while i was taking a bath  
Klaus: to tell me theres no more coffee  
Klaus: and scared the shit out of me

Luther: You say this now?

Klaus: ye  
Klaus: i passed out in the bathtub  
Klaus: good morning

Diego: u know u can just send one message instead of five

Klaus: no  
Klaus: i dont know  
Klaus: i dont want to  
Klaus: what are u talking about

Diego: shut the fuck up

Klaus: bro  
Klaus: i have things to say  
Klaus: and type  
Klaus: and u will all witness it

Five: if i get one more notification i swear to god i will kill you all

Diego: uh oh

Five: thats it.

**From: Allison**   
**To: Dee**

Allison: We need to talk

Dee: whats wrong

Allison: Can you go get waffles?

Dee: thats what u wanted to talk about

Allison: Yea

**12:43 pm**

Allison: Diego got us waffles :)

Diego: i was bullied

Five: did u get coffee

Diego: did u fucking ask

Five: i hate this fucking family

Klaus: owo whats this

Allison: Hewwo??

Diego: what the fuck

Five: owo?

Diego: stop this right now

basper: ohhhhh the uwus are back  
basper: awwison,,,,,

Allison: :3c

_Allison changed her username to Awwison._

Diego: im taking away your waffle privileges

Awwison: Coward

**12:46 am**

Klaus: is it possible to kill the sun

basper: sunglasses

Five: gun

Diego: vanya

Klaus: thanks  
Klaus: i think

**10:26 pm**

Vanya: Guys did you hear about the big bats  
Vanya: The human sized ones

Klaus: batman?????

basper: diego??

Vanya: No the bats  
Vanya: Almost human sized*

basper: diego is almost human sized

Vanya: Hes not that much shorter than you?

basper: exactly. Almost

Vanya: Sure  
Vanya: The bats tho

Five: what is it with the bats

Vanya: Theyre cute  
Vanya: I just thought you should know

Five: thank you vanya

basper: thanks vanya

Klaus: i hate bats??  
Klaus: theyre too small and they pretend to care about others feelings

Vanya: They do care

Klaus: THEY DONT

Vanya: They want to help you

Klaus: THEY WANR TO RUIN ME

Vanya: Listen

_Diego left the chat._

_Five added Diego to the chat._

Five: if i have to see this then so do you

**2:57 am**

Five: @whoever is humming the jaws theme right now i will chop your fingers off and feed them to you

**4:11 am**

basper: egg tower

Diego: egg tower  
Diego: a tower of eggs

basper: a tower that is made out of eggs

Diego: stacked eggs

basper: its like a hotel for dogs but instead of hotel its a tower and instead of dogs its eggs

Diego: a tower that is eggs

basper: many eggs. Egg on egg on egg

Diego: egg tower

basper: yes

Five: maybe the apocalypse was the right idea

**2:38 pm**

basper: u know how I love cucumbers  
basper: but also sometimes theyre a disappointment  
basper: bc theyre supposed to be like cold and crunchy but sometimes they just suck and aren't crunchy  
basper: u kno

Awwison: You know what else is crunchy?

Klaus: my ass

Awwison: No  
Awwison: Nevermind

basper: ali please continue

Awwison: I don't want to anymore

**3:08 pm**

Luther: Why is there a devil spawn on the kitchen table?  
Luther: Why does it have eggs in front of it?

Klaus: thats jimmy hes our new roommate

Luther: I don't  
Luther: No

Five: thats a fucking furby

Klaus: his NAME is JIMMY do NOT DISRESPECT him like that

Five: can you be normal for like a second

Klaus: absolutely not

**From: Ben**   
**To: Dee**

Ben: can i pay u to assassinate jimmy

Dee: the who

Ben: jimmy  
Ben: i want him dead and destroyed. I want his skin of his disgusting metal flesh. I never want to see his empty unblinking eyes again. I want to make chicken soup out of his remains.

Dee: who is jimmy

Ben: the furby

Dee: the what

Ben: do u even read the group chat

Dee: why would i do that to myself

Ben: five was right youre all useless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some of these are heavily inspired by some pics i found saved on my phone so if it sounds familiar thats why


	3. Chapter 3

**the Hargeese, 11:44 pm**

Luther: [picture of Jimmy on the edge of the bathtub]   
Luther: I dont know how he got here but I am terrified 

Klaus: hes keeping u company 

Luther: I don't think I want him to? 

Diego: man fucking furbies

Five: please use commas DIEGO 

Klaus: no commas needed 

Five: youre dead to me

Five: not only did you bring a fucking furby in our home a safe place for us but you keep walking around naked and take 4 hours to shower and your coffee sucks ass and is useless and i have to hear you sing musical numbers at ungodly hours in the morning and your eggs suck too im sure even jimmy would agree if he was a living person instead of a fucking furby you decide to torment us with  
Five: also your feet smell like shit if you dont stop walking around barefoot im gonna go insane 

Klaus: bro  
Klaus: i knew u loved me but  
Klaus: this muhc????   
Klaus: enough to write an essay about me???   
Klaus: im so honored to be a part of one of fives 2am rage sessions  
Klaus: thank u

Five: i hate you so much 

Five: its not even 2am

Klaus: ikr   
Klaus: im powerful enough to cause 2am rages at any time

Luther: Can someone please take this furby away from me

**10:24 am**

basper: cant believe i was asleep for a klaus dragging session   
basper: i have things to add

Klaus: sorry benny u can only do that in the hours between 11pm and 1am  
Klaus: weve all got complaints we all gotta shout them at the same time   
Klaus: to tone down the chaos

basper: 11pm-1am klaus bashing hours?? 

Klaus: no  
Klaus: just bashing   
Klaus: each other   
Klaus: in general 

basper: but we already do that all the time 

Klaus: hmm

Vanya: Thats an unfair time limit some of us have functional sleeping schedules 

Klaus: impossible   
Klaus: unrealistic   
Klaus: fake

basper: the implication that Vanya has things to say during bashing hours scares me

Vanya: Dont worry about it. 

Klaus: we can bond over our sins

Vanya: I have no sins to report

basper: i love you but remember when you tried to end to world twice 

Vanya: Yes. Your point? 

basper: you know what. Fair

**2:06 am**

Five: to-hack list:   
Five: 1) gender 2) the moon 3) the planet 4) my own ass  
Five: i will succeed. I will win  
Five: wrong chat

Diego: how is this the wrong chat u dont have any other friends

Five: 5) diego

Diego: dont like that

**8:45 am**

Luther: What's wrong with gender?

Five: its statistically unnecessary

Luther: That doesn't make any sense

Five: thats because youre cis  
Five: get well soon

Luther: I'm fine? 

Klaus: thats the nicest thing five has ever said to one of us and its not even really nice

Five: dont test me

Klaus: but!!   
Klaus: im so glad to know theres two of us now  
Klaus: welcome to the nonbinary hargreeves club

Five: maybe being cis would be worth it to not share anything with klaus

Klaus: how dare you

**trans only event, 9:12 am**

_👁️👄👁️ added Five to the chat._

👁️👄👁️: wëlcömë

>:3c : Ohohohoh

🔪: hëllö hëllö

Five: what is this. a cult

>:3c : Sorta

👁️👄👁️: yes

>:3c : We worship the god of trans your gender

Five: im interested  
Five: but klaus this isnt the end  
Five: your feet still smell like shit

👁️👄👁️: :((  
👁️👄👁️: bullied by one of our own....... 

🔪: u see the thing is hes one of us now so i wont stab him for being a dick to u  
🔪: i was gonna before but now i dont want to

👁️👄👁️: WAIT

Five: :) 

🔪: 🤝

Five: 🤝

👁️👄👁️: this is not the kind of solidarity i had in mind

>:3c : Ngl seeing Five and Diego get along is kinda terrifying 

👁️👄👁️: ill admit  
👁️👄👁️: ive made some mistakes today 

**The Hargeeese, 6:30 pm**

Five: why are there so many face masks in this cupboard   
Five: what is the meaning of this

Awwison: Theyre relaxing 

Klaus: they help with the skin  
Klaus: and the stress   
Klaus: and the life in general 

Five: untrue. its a delusion of a solution. its not helping you

Awwison: Have you tried it tho

Five: no why would i  
Five: luther is this not weird to you  
Five: did u not open this bathroom cupboard and ask yourself hey what the fuck is it with the dozens of face masks

Luther: I've stopped opening cupboards since Jimmy started showing up everywhere 

Five: . 

Luther: If I don't know he's there I feel better about it

Awwison: Klaus look at what you've done. You've traumatised our brother

Klaus: i did nothing?? 

Five: im putting an end to this

Diego: fucking furbies

Five: diego i know youre not doing this on purpose but i need you to stop saying things like that i get a heart attack every time

**From: Five**   
**To: Diego**

Five: first of all im going to say this  
Five: i hate this more than you do but  
Five: i need your help assassinating jimmy the furby that that fucking moron brought in the house

Diego: u know ur not the first to ask me this

Five: oh. luther? 

Diego: ben

Five: he _has_ been awfully quiet about this whole ordeal  
Five: ill add him 

Diego: wait what no

**killing jimmy the furby operation #1, 10:29 pm**

_Five created a group chat._   
_Five added Ben and Diego to the chat._

Ben: oh you just love to see it

Diego: no

Ben: yes

Five: yes  
Five: anyway, lets start

Ben: how do we wanna do this folks

Diego: we dont

Ben: why are you so against this btw  
Ben: are you in on it

Diego: no?? 

Five: suspicious. 

Ben: 🤔🤔🤔

Diego: i just think its kinda funny 

Ben: aw  
Ben: but its not 

Five: thats because you dont live here

Diego: yeah  
Diego: y do u even need me anyway arent u like a professional assassin who can also teleport wherever or smth

Ben: uh oh 

Five: shut the fuck up

Diego: is a little furby above your pay grade 

Five: this was a bad idea 

Ben: no come on hes doing it on purpose dont let it get to you

Five: it doesnt matter either way. hes helping us, want it or not 

Ben: yeehaw

Diego: im not helping you

Five: you are

Ben: you are  
Ben: :) 

Diego: i

**The Hargeese, 9:45 am**

Awwison: Sometimes living with four of your siblings sucks but then there are times when Im listening to Klaus apply his make up while talking as if hes an Instagram make up artist and I feel blessed

Klaus: THANK U ali  
Klaus: finally someone appreciates my art

Awwison: Please do continue

Five: why are you encouraging this  
Five: its been an hour already

Awwison: Have you heard of fun?

Five: yes. it does not come in the shape of klaus talking about make up  
Five: or klaus talking  
Five: or klaus

Awwison: Thats straight up a lie  
Awwison: Just yesterday you were playing chess with him for hours

Klaus: you love me :) 

Five: no i simply enjoy chess

Klaus: uwu grumpy old man

Five: ill end you

**From: Diego**   
**To: drama queen**

Diego: dude u gotta stop with the furby bullshit five and ben are taking it v seriously its driving me up the wall

drama queen: ???  
drama queen: for like the fifth time  
drama queen: ive done NOTHING

Diego: uhuh

drama queen: i havent!!!!!!  
drama queen: yall just automatically assume i did a thing  
drama queen: when i didnt  
drama queen: this already happened with the fudge cake!! 

Diego: okay lets say i believe u  
Diego: whats the truth

drama queen: it wasnt me  
drama queen: i just gave him a name when i found him  
drama queen: im not moving him

Diego: and u didnt question any of it??

drama queen: nah  
drama queen: weird shit goes on in this house man  
drama queen: every day i see ghosts

Diego: jesus christ alright

drama queen: y are u all so convinced its me  
drama queen: each fucking time  
drama queen: something happens that has nothing to do wiht me  
drama queen: and suddenly every single person is all   
drama queen: klaus did it!!!!!!   
drama queen: i didnt!! 

Diego: bc youre the resident clown of the house

drama queen: why thank you

Diego: also  
Diego: remember that plant

drama queen: DEE

Diego: four months

drama queen: THAT WAS TEN YEARS AGO DIEGO   
drama queen: its not even that big of a deal

Diego: you stood by and watched me water a fake plant for FOUR MONTHS

drama queen: it was very funny ngl

Diego: fuck u and fuck your furbies

drama queen: ITS NOT MINE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case, trans only event:  
> 👁️👄👁️ Klaus  
> >:3c Allison  
> 🔪 Diego  
> And five obvs


	4. Chapter 4

**the Hargeese, 12:45pm**

Klaus: allison is gone to la  
Klaus: u know what that means

Luther: No I don't  
Luther: What does it mean?

Klaus: oh u know

Luther: I really don't

Klaus: :)

Luther: What does it MEAN Klaus

Awwison: It means you will all behave and not set the house on fire while Im gone :)

Klaus: yes exactly  
Klaus: thank u allison  
Klaus: :)

Awwison: :)

Luther: This feels like a trap

**From: Allison**   
**To: Dee**

Allison: Hey little bro I need a favor

Dee: absolutely not and also die

Allison: Wonderful  
Allison: I need you to check on those idiots at least two times a week  
Allison: Maybe three times

Dee: theyre adults they can take care of themselves for a month  
Dee: actually

Allison: Yes?

Dee: i changed my mind they cant  
Dee: for a moment i forgot who were talking about

Allison: Understandable we all make this mistake  
Allison: Now will you do this  
Allison: Just like make sure they haven't died  
Allison: Maybe take them grocery shopping

Dee: can they not fucking buy their own food at least

Allison: Luther never had to buy his own food until this year and he never gets enough of anything, Klaus only gets chips and cigarettes, Five only gets coffee and Ben only gets sour candy worms  
Allison: Together they might just survive on the most unhealthy products possible  
Allison: One time I gave Luther a grocery list and one of the things was potato you know like you get a bunch of potatoes to make some like a normal human being but I was in a hurry or smth and just wrote 'potato' because I assumed it'd be obvious that we need an amount of potatoes but he came back with one singular potato

Dee: jesus christ

Allison: I know  
Allison: I was gonna ask Vanya but she's working a lot and I dont want to subject her to these idiots  
Allison: She doesn't need this in her life  
Allison: And you're a disaster but at least you can buy your own food

Dee: i feel like i should be offended that ur prioritizing her over me but i also dont want to subject her to this so fair

Allison: I knew you would see reason  
Allison: I love you take care

Dee: no

Allison: Die then I guess

**6:24 pm**

Klaus: someone play sdv with me pls  
Klaus: im so bored  
Klaus: my crops are dying  
Klaus: i cant fish  
Klaus: ben is here but hes useless all he does is water plants

Awwison: Isnt that the point

Klaus: no the point is helping me go through the mine so i can get more amethysts to give emily so that she likes me bc shes cool and i wanna be friends with her

Awwison: Huh

Vanya: I would like to. play sdv

Klaus: yes!!!!

basper: please tell me you have more useful skills than the two of us

Vanya: I can fish

basper: _she can fish_

Klaus: _she can **fish**_

**11:56 pm**

Klaus: i think fishing without mods in sdv makes u a top

Diego: i think ur taking this too far

Klaus: u only say that bc u cant fish

**9:12 am**

basper: i can hear Five teleporting around and swearing whats happened

Five: went to the kitchen  
Five: saw klaus putting garlic in his pants  
Five: left

basper: ah the classic

Klaus: its so dracula wont try to eat my ass

Five: why would dracula try to eat your ass

Klaus: he wont  
Klaus: the garlic  
Klaus: are u even listening

basper: i thought u wanted him to eat your ass

Klaus: no thats u

Five: he??? isnt?? real????  
Five: stop talking about this as if its an thing that could happen

basper: i was a ghost for years and there is a mystery furby in our house anything could be real  
basper: and if anything fictional is real it should be dracula. bc hes hot

Five: i  
Five: hm

Awwison: Istg I leave for ONE day and now we're fucking dracula

Klaus: not we  
Klaus: just ben  
Klaus: i am putting garlic on myself  
Klaus: pay attention ali jeez

Awwison: Bye

**12:01 am**

Klaus: its midnight u know what that means

Vanya: Going to sleep

Five: Coffe

Luther: Sleep

Klaus: no  
Klaus: bashing hours  
Klaus: for a limited time we are all allowed and encouraged to be mean to each other  
Klaus: starting now  
Klaus: ill go first  
Klaus: bens cooking skills suck and he should not be allowed in the kitchen

Luther: Thats unfair. If he's not allowed in the kitchen how is he supposed to get better at cooking

Klaus: shut up luther its bashing hours ur not allowed to be nice

Awwison: Do we have to be mean though

Klaus: yes u are forced to be mean

Awwison: Well in that case  
Awwison: Klaus you piece of shit if you don't stop stealing my clothes I will take all your make up and face masks and flush it down the toilet or so help me God  
Awwison: That dress you took last week doesn't even look good on you it doesn't fit you and I want it back

Klaus: oh boy

basper: ooh hell yeah lets go

Vanya: Luther you chew very loudly and it drives me insane  
Vanya: Klaus 8/10 times I do not understand a single thing you're saying and sometimes I think its for the best  
Vanya: Same thing for Five but different reasons

Five: ill take it

Awwison: Do you have these written down??

Vanya: No I just wanna get it in quickly so I can go sleep because I have practice tomorrow morning  
Vanya: Allison. Green is really not your color

Awwison: Every color?? Is my color??

Vanya: No  
Vanya: Diego

Diego: yes

Vanya: Just the whole thing

Diego: ah

Klaus: DJFJJFJFJFJDNFNNF

basper: GOD

Vanya: Ben youre wonderful I love you never change

basper: :')

Vanya: Good night. Im only kinda sorry

Five: dont be  
Five: my turn now

basper: he actually has a list i saw him write it

Awwison: Ok honestly?  
Awwison: I feel like Five and Diego shouldn't be allowed to participate in this because they say enough mean things every day to each and every one of us

Klaus: u see thats a good point

Five: its not.

Diego: i think after vanya just fucking desecrated me i should be allowed to say at least one (1) mean thing

Awwison: Thats fair  
Awwison: Just one  
Awwison: Go for it

Diego: ben

basper: WHAT

Diego: look

basper: i thought you loved me???  
basper: i thought i was your favorite????

Diego: YOU ARE

basper: this slander is unacceptable  
basper: i lay dead for 13 years and come back to my brother being mean to me  
basper: im so hurt and betrayed

Diego: FINE nvmd

basper: :)

Awwison: I cannot believe that worked

Klaus: ah the death card. classic  
Klaus: i think this closes our bashing hours for tonight

Five: oh fuck off  
Five: im saving that list for the next time

Klaus: u do that buddy

**2:34 am**

Klaus: why did five just scream  
Klaus: my ears hurt  
Klaus: are u good old man

Five: you know damn well why i screamed

Klaus: ???+  
Klaus: bro i dont thats why im asking

Luther: Is it Jimmy. I know a Jimmy scream when I hear one

Five: its in my BED

Luther: Thats rough buddy

Klaus: oh shit he wants to cuddle

Five: im gonna gut you

Klaus: I DIDNT PUT HIM THERE??

Five: who else. who the fuck would be behind this if not you

Klaus: i dont know  
Klaus: but its not me  
Klaus: ill show u my good will by letting u sleep in my bed for the night

Five: fuck you im not sleeping tonight

**trans only event, 10:16 am**

Five: okay ive been thinking about this for the whole night and i have to ask  
Five: diego what were you going to say to ben 

>:3c : I would also like to know

Five: i know thats why im asking here and not in dms

>:3c : 💖

🔪: ben cant sing for shit

>:3c : What

👁️👄👁️: what  
👁️👄👁️: ive never heard ben sing  
👁️👄👁️: ive spent like 13 years with ben

🔪: the bathroom is right across my bedroom and each time im staying here i have to listen to him singing backstreet boys and britney spears in the shower for at least an hour and my ears are bleeding

>:3c : Holy shit

Five: holy shit

🔪: i just never said anything bc like its ben

👁️👄👁️: fucking coward

🔪: its BEN

👁️👄👁️: that doesn't work on me ive spent over 13 years with that little shit

**From: Diego**   
**To: V**

Diego: please help

V: ???  
V: Are you dying??

Diego: in a way

V: Diego???

Diego: im grocery shopping with klaus and ben

V: Oh no  
V: Why on earth would you do that

Diego: bc ali asked me to and bc im an idiot?

V: That tracks

Diego: wow okay  
Diego: anyway  
Diego: help please  
Diego: klaus has forced me to push him around in the cart and ben has put a ton of chocolates and candy on top of him already im afraid to go get stuff they actually need bc they might i dont know leave or do something worse or maybe die  
Diego: i do not have control over this situation

V: This is the most I've seen you type ever

Diego: focus  
Diego: help

V: Okay sorry  
V: Why didn't you bring Five or Luther

Diego: luther is at work and five came here with us but left  
Diego: he took two coffee cans and teleported away

V: He stole it

Diego: dont remind me

V: Look I don't see how I would help this situation in any way

Diego: :(

V: Damn okay fine Im coming

**killing jimmy the furby operation #1, 9:32 pm**

Five: its allison

Ben: hewwo????

Diego: do not

Ben: shut up  
Ben: five are u for real

Five: she hasnt said a word about this whole furby mess at all

Diego: i hate to burst ur bubble

Five: no you dont

Diego: no i dont  
Diego: but anyway. allison is in la she couldn't have put jimmy in your bed tonight

Five: oh no you got me. how could have i missed that. oh woe is me.  
Five: i havent been in that bed for a few days so she could have done it before  
Five: you moron

Diego: well then

Ben: why would she do it?

Five: fudge cake theft  
Five: her revenge list was all of us except vanya who doesnt live in the house so shes safe from the furby hell

Ben: but diego

Five: she asked him to go grocery shopping with us

Ben: :)

Diego: sneaky piece of shit

Five: honestly its kinda genius i gotta give her that  
Five: do not tell her i said that. ever

Ben: my mouth is shut  
Ben: so whats the execution plan


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> owo whats this another chapter

**From: Five**   
**To: Allison**

Five: hello allison. i have some questions

Allison: Uhhh  
Allison: Sure? Shoot  
Allison: Should I be worried? 

Five: i dont know sis, should you? 

Allison: Uhhhh

Five: im just gonna ask because this has gone on for too long  
Five: are you the one who brought jimmy the furby in our house and has been torturing us with him for the past month

Allison: What.   
Allison: This is what you wanted to ask me?? 

Five: yes. now answer the question allison 

Allison: No. It wasn't me

Five: hmm  
Five: so how come youre the one that has been attacked by it yet

Allison: I have been I just dont find him scary  
Allison: When Claire was very little she had one of those 

Five: what. 

Allison: Yeah  
Allison: I wasn't aware that this is something people are threatened by until you all started making a huge deal out of it 

Five: unbelievable 

Allison: It's just a kids toy what's so special about it  
Allison: Okay putting aside the fact that it totally wasn't me, was this really your plan? Just ask people and hope that they answer honestly? Really? 

Five: listen weve kinda ran out of options okay  
Five: the anti furby council has decided to execute jimmy but we havent been able to find him for days now and youre the number one suspect

Allison: Im sorry. The what council

Five: the anti furby council

Allison: Who's in there

Five: im not telling

Allison: Okay then keep your secrets  
Allison: Why the fuck am I the first suspect tho   
Allison: I thought we all knew it was Klaus

Five: i also thought so but the more this goes on the less im sure in it  
Five: also diego says hes sure its not klaus and as much as i hate to admit it hes usually a good resource  
Five: also he cant lie for shit 

Allison: Is Diego in the anti furby council

Five: hes an honorary member

Allison: Can I get an in

Five: absolutely not

Allison: I demand to be let in the anti furby council

Five: no. you are still a suspect. i remember your fudge cake rage

Allison: IS THIS WHAT YOU THINK THIS IS??

**the Hargeese, 1:03 pm**

_Klaus changed basper's name to dracula fucker._   
_Klaus changed Vanya's name to bashing hours champion._   
_Klaus changed Diego's name to knife gay._   
_Klaus changed Five's name to rat gay._   
_Klaus changed Luther's name to token straight._

Klaus: thats better

bashing hours champion: Im not complaining but why this all of a sudden

Klaus: it was getting a bit dull in here  
Klaus: gotta shake it up

bashing hours champion: Yea alright

dracula fucker: why do only diego and five get to be the gays. let me in

Klaus: sigh

_Klaus changed dracula fucker's name to dracula gay._

Klaus: u happy now benjamin 

dracula gay: yes :)

token straight: Why do you assume I'm straight 

Klaus: are u not?? 

token straight: I don't think so

Klaus: ok thats fair  
Klaus: my apologies. Welcome to the club   
Klaus: no straights allowed in this family 

_Klaus changed token straight's name to token jock._

token jock: I'll take it  
token jock: What about Diego though 

Klaus: hes more of a goth 

token jock: Is he?   
token jock: I don't know enough about goths to dispute this

Klaus: yea honestly me neither 

dracula gay: i was dead for years i think that should automatically give me the resident goth title

bashing hours champion: And you also fuck Dracula 

dracula gay: and i also fuck dracula

knife gay: i dont have admin privileges but @whoever does make klaus name resident clown 

_Awwison changed Klaus' name to resident clown._

knife gay: thank u

**killing jimmy the furby operation #1, 4:21 pm**

Five: i dont think its allison. 

Diego: u literally came up with that theory 

Five: trust me i know  
Five: but i talked to her and i dont think she did it

Ben: who then

Five: i honestly have no clue at this point   
Five: might as well be the furby

Ben: are you saying we have a living breathing furby walking around our house

Five: ive ran out of ideas

Diego: luther

Five: no

Ben: no

Diego: yeah i dont think so either 

Five: hes too stupid  
Five: if it were one of us they would have to know about our execution plans to move jimmy out of our way but thats impossible because the plans never left this chat  
Five: what im saying is its either we have a living demon walking around our house or its one of you two   
Five: and for your sake i hope its the demon 

**the Hargeese, 10:33 am**

resident clown: [picture of a dubious bowl of cereal]   
resident clown: eating breakfast 

Awwison: is that a hot dog in cereal

_rat gay left the chat._   
_knife gay added rat gay to the chat._

rat gay: why

knife gay: u did this to me once

rat gay: fucking vengeance obsessed idiot

dracula gay: whats funny about this is Five is sitting with Klaus and me in the kitchen so he saw him eating this horrid breakfast before Klaus sent the pic but he didnt say anything and then just left the chat as if hes shocked and horrified 

rat guy: ok now

Awwison: He's gotta be dramatic 

**From: Allison**   
**To: Fivey**

**2:42 pm**

Allison: Hey bro I'm just checking how are you guys doing  
Allison: I feel like you're the most responsible maybe   
Allison: And I trust that you wouldn't lie to me maybe  
Allison: So anyway. Is everyone alive? How many times has the kitchen been on fire? Did you get groceries?   
Allison: Five? 

**10:02 pm**

Fivey: sorry i forgot to text you back i also forgot to eat today if that makes you feel better 

Allison: ...It does not

**From: Allison**   
**To: Vanya <3**

Allison: Five turned out to be a bad person to ask about this so I'm gonna ask you, Vanya, the only person left who I think might be responsible   
Allison: Please don't prove me wrong like everyone else did  
Allison: And please give me a report of the situation in the house  
Allison: I haven't been away for this long since before the first ap*calypse and it's weird not knowing how are things going

Vanya<3: I just got there so you're in luck

Allison: Yay!! 

Vanya<3: Luther and Five found a huge jigsaw puzzle in the attic and are messing with it on the table  
Vanya<3: They're actually both taking this very seriously it's getting a bit concerning honestly   
Vanya<3: Diego is passive aggressively making us all hot chocolate   
Vanya<3: Klaus is doing Ben's nails and Ben is uhh on his phone playing some game I think  
Vanya<3: Nothing is on fire for now  
Vanya<3: But as I said I just got here so anything could happen 

Allison: Yeah I don't trust this  
Allison: That's too normal 

Vanya<3: I know its kinda creepy  
Vanya<3: No one is yelling or screaming? 

Allison: Weird

**the Hargeese, 6:58 pm**

resident clown:

  
resident clown: discuss 

bashing hours champion: Im. Hm  
bashing hours champion: Sure I guess 

resident clown: make peace with it vanny

bashing hours champion: Alright 

token jock: Again I don't know enough about this to argue? 

dracula gay: i do and im enraged   
dracula gay: Diego cant be more on the goth chart than i am  
dracula gay: this is offensive to me personally 

resident clown: hear me out   
resident clown: ive thot this thru  
resident clown: its not that hes more goth than u its just that ur more nerd than he is jock   
resident clown: its pure facts

dracula gay: i dont think you know what that word means

knife gay: tbh i dont know what any of this means 

dracula gay: hence youre not allowed to present an argument for yourself 

Awwison: Ben I hate to be on Klaus' side and not yours but the fact that you just wrote that sentence is enough proof that you are a nerd

resident clown: yea who the heck uses the word hence in a sentence

dracula gay: bold words from someone who just used the word 'heck' in a sentence 

bashing hours champion: Guys is this really worth arguing about 

resident clown: yes

dracula gay: yes

Awwison: yes

bashing hours champion: You too Allison??

Awwison: Charts are very important   
Awwison: Anyway, Klaus where are you on this one

resident clown: well obviously i am above all these 

knife gay: i dont know shit abt this but i disagree 

resident clown: shut up   
resident clown: i am sexy trash  
resident clown: which sadly is not an option   
resident clown: but i am there in spirit 

_resident clown changed their name to sexy trash._

dracula gay: youre so full of shit

Awwison: You know, interesting how Five hasn't said a word about his place on the chart 

sexy trash: its bc he recognises his rightful place   
sexy trash: hes the only one who appreciates my hard work 

bashing hours champion: No I think it's because he's too into this jigsaw puzzle

sexy trash: ok that too

**From: Vanya**   
**To: Ali**

Vanya: It's happened 

Ali: Uh oh

Vanya: Klaus spilled his hot chocolate on the puzzles 

Ali: Oh dear

Vanya: Five is trying to murder Klaus and Diego is trying to stop him  
Vanya: There's a knife in the wall  
Vanya: Luther is trying to save the puzzles   
Vanya: Ben is playing his phone game

Ali: Sounds about right   
Ali: What are you doing? 

Vanya: Watching Moomin  
Vanya: Diego gave up he's watching Moomin with me now   
Vanya: It's a great show

Ali: Wait what about Five and Klaus 

Vanya: Idk 

Ali: Ah

**the Hargeese, 12:06 am**

dracula gay: i have something to tell yall

resident clown: did u finally learn how to fish in sdv

dracula gay: no wtf  
dracula gay: i brought Jimmy and moved him around the house

resident clown: NO

rat gay: excuse me

resident clown: BENNY

knife gay: BEN

Awwison: I fucking knew it   
Awwison: You should have let me in the anti furby council Five you son of a bitch 

token jock: Ben why? 

dracula gay: Luther youre the only one i want to apologise to. i didnt think it would freak you out so much i am sorry   
dracula gay: but also i did it bc it was funny   
dracula gay: and i thrive in chaos

Awwison: Some people just like to watch the world burn I guess 

dracula gay: precisely 

knife gay: u fucking asked me to kill him first   
knife gay: u came up with all those plans with five  
knife gay: u were the most enthusiastic about getting rid of him  
knife gay: u sent me a whole message about wanting to make chicken soup out of his remains

Awwison: Jesus

dracula gay: yea to make you not doubt me  
dracula gay: and it worked

resident clown: THEY ALL BLAMED ME FOR IT

dracula gay: yea i know that was the part of the plan

resident clown: I

rat gay: and we all fucking fell for it

dracula gay: for the every last bit of it

rat gay: i gave you a seat on the anti furby council  
rat gay: you read and made all the plans with me oh my god

dracula gay: :)

Awwison: First the fudge cake, now this  
Awwison: Ben who are you

dracula gay: listen i spent 13 years with klaus watching his antics not being able to do shit but read books  
dracula gay: now i can do things  
dracula gay: and i will

Awwison: Horrifying, thank you

**1:23 am**

rat gay: also klaus  
rat gay: just because im smarter than all of you idiots doesnt mean im a nerd

Awwison: There he is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (ben voice) arent u tired of being nice? dont u just wanna go apeshit?
> 
> also i forget to write this but, im @moss_time on twitter and @righteousmoths on tumblr and always here to yell about tua apparently


End file.
